Playground Uprising


CRAP
May 21, 2010, 2:39 am
Filed under: pets | Tags: , ,

 

I unlock the back gate. Peer in. Certain of a crime scene. A glance to the left, right, behind the fountain, and a peer into the monkey grass. Clear? Could it be? I stroll up the stairs with a mild, smug smirk of victory creeping out of the left side of a grin and crap. No literally –  I mean CRAP. There it is. Right past the door towards the back of our upper patio. We have a basset hound. Her name is Sydney. She likes to crap on hard surfaces – like the sidewalk in front of the neighbor who just admired her supreme longitude or in the alley – next to the sign that says “no dogs allowed” but most often – strategically  upon my patio in distinct places that make unbeknownst guest swear we have acquired modern art due to it perfected placement. I have hosed water, sprayed chemicals, and sprinkled pepper as blogger 227 suggested, but still she stands her ground and soils mine.

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Academic Transfer
May 20, 2010, 2:23 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

“I am going to Florida. We are staying at the Breakers.”  “Excellent, I am staying in Richmond where I will watch your children break things (preferably your things).” It is like we are living this parallel life, except I am hosing crap off of our patio and you are having drinks by the pool. Comparisons aside, tonight was peaceful. Mac went to bed at 6:58. I of course told him it was way past his 7:30 bedtime – feeling perfectly content in this fallacy –  as I quietly whispered to myself – this is your way of encouraging him to actually apply the knowledge he learns in school to his everyday environment. You see, the fib is actually a lesson in academic transfer. And – I know this is in fact possible, because in Mac’s short two year tenure in school, he has learned a variety of peppy renditions of the Barney song (all including references to automatic weapons) and  is convinced that fruit snacks are a legitimate fruit that grows on the fruit snack tree – growing just left of the new Martin’s grocery store (don’t get me started). In the meantime, I am able to eat a veggie burger in peace and watch my taped episodes of The Hills and The City, which is vital to my fashion sense (obviously I don’t tune in often enough) and my understanding of how to base your self-worth on how blond your hair is and the expense of your shoes. So you see – Mac and I both learned important lessons today as our father figure sipped martinis by the outside bar. Ain’t life a beach.